Decode

CHRISTMAS


Is it Really the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?


As I have said in earlier blogs, I hate Christmas. Not necessarily the event, but what it brings people to do. How I see people more clearly with this holiday makes me wish I was blind and was living in a happy family. But I'm not, and I can't deny it. Christmas is never going to be normal for me. And this year I finally saw why I hate it so much.

I'm not with "My" family. I'm always wondering while i sit and stare at this fake family, what it'd be like if my parents were still together. How would Christmas change? Would I love it again like I did when I was younger? Sitting in the family room I couldn't help but feel my stomach turn. With a painted smile, it looked like a natural happy scene. But what no one could see underneath this smile was an 18 year old girl who can't bring herself to feel like this is home. It will never be my home.

My mom is moving into a smaller home on the 28th and I can already call that home. I've never been there longer than 4 hours and it's home. I'm not sure why but I can't wait to move in. In addition to moving in there through my mom, I'm also moving in Full Time. I've decided to move out from my dad's. I need to for my physical and mental well being, and financially as well. I don't plan on telling my dad until after we've moved in. Maybe next Wednesday. I guess I need to explain what I mean by physical, mental health and financial things. Starting with Physical: I've been trying to stay healthy and fit. I've lost about 10-12 pounds through my gym class and with cutting junk food (pure sugar items) out of my diet. However I allow myself an occasional thing if I'm craving so I don't end up purging myself. Anyway, at my dad's house the only thing us "children" are allowed to have is all sugar. Snacks for lunch and lunch itself "Lunchables", Jo Louie's (or what ever you call them) CAKES covered in ICING & CHOCOLATE = Pure Sugar and fat. Not healthy and I do not care to eat them for taste either. Breakfast: Cinnamon Toast Crunch (fine every now and then) but I tend to eat bowl after bowl. It's addicting. Also lucky charms, coco puffs, captain crunch...you get the point? All Sugar filled cereals. Because of this I went to school with no breakfast and barely a lunch for almost all of High School. Now one day I found that I like Cottage Cheese with Yogurt with fruit etc. A very healthy choice that filled me up. I was content. My dad went out to buy the cottage cheese and yogurt and as soon as my stepmother tried it, She put her NAME on them all and said they are for her Diet. For she is a large woman trying to shed the pounds. And I was no longer allowed to eat them. I was told to buy my own(yet when we do buy our own food she says: Buy some for the whole family you piggys" Yes, I know, that is my Stepmother. Anyway, that's basically what most of what the healthy food in the house has. Her name on them. So I resort to Ice Chips(probably what helped me lose some weight).

Wow so that was physical, now Mental. Being fat but not technically overweight according to BMI can drain the mind and heart of a person. Especially when you are reminded of it everyday. Whether it's when I'm eating food or searching for something I'm allowed to eat that won't one day kill me or staring in the mirror. It all builds up and when your step mother who is largely overweight calls you a pig or makes other rude remarks....it hurts so much. Even though I'm lighter than her it still hurts because it just makes what I thought i was hiding so well, surface. I never really notice how I appear to others in the weight area except for when I am at my dad's and having her and her daughter make those remarks, or again when I'm trying to find something to eat. Again this is the mental side of things. When I'm at my dad's the only attention I seem to get is when it's time to clean. Her children do nothing. Example: Tonight cleaning up Christmas dinner of 20 people. My sister and I were the only ones left cleaning the kitchen while The Stepsister complained about how HER brother wasn't helping and went on to say that there was nothing left to do and disappeared. Meanwhile, my sister and I are still cleaning for another half hour. Yup that was certainly wonderful. That takes a hit on me mentally just cause all the things I want to say run through my mind and my heart always stops me because I know I'll regret saying anything because things can only get worse. My step mother also likes to add in other remarks about how she FORGOT that I was home, as an excuse as to why I'm being left out. Or for no reason she just says that when I come down the stairs. Finally, having to carry things like clothes, makeup and entertainment(not toys but like.. DVDs, ipod, camera) back and forth between both places is annoying. Especially when I forget something. I either have to walk back to get it because neither parent wishes to travel 2 minutes for me to get it. Ya I know its only a block away but when it's raining or snowing or super cold, You wouldn't want to either. So I'd walk, wait for the next time I'm there or pray that someone can spare 2 minutes for me to grab it.


Financially: Plain and Simple. I have to buy clothes, makeup, hygienics, shoes, coats etc for two houses. Yes that's right, since I was 13 and babysitting I have had to buy all of that without the help of my father. My mom did help however I had no freedom to choose what I wanted. So I have to rely on myself to be able to have normal clothes and such. And while I have to buy all that, The Stepmother buys everything for herself and her children but always complains when she has to go grocery shopping about the amount of money she has to spend to "Feed all our mouths".

Today's Physical and Mental toll on me.

Well, no one rememebers that I'm dieting and so my stocking was filled with choclates and candy while the StepChildrens is full of expensive Got2B hair products. I got mousse, which was from the kowala bear naturals brand, a mini stapler, a 2009/10 planner, 4 chocolate bars and one bag of candy. Again, the stepchildren recieve the high end hair products along with perfume and cologne and MANY other things I didn't bother to look at once i saw that their stockings overflowed with their personalities and mine did not. Present time. My sister, step sister and I got Robes from la zenza. They are nice and cozy, then we got matching UGLY watches(not worth the $29.95 at sears...they looked like they were from the Dollar Store). Oh, did I mention that I get a watch from my Stepmother every christmas and brithday? And last years was broken when I unwrapped it and she never took it in to get fixed. It's laying in my Jelwary box as we speak, just collecting dust. Mmm, I'm rambling. Ok, so we all got socks which also matched our individual robes...no one seems to notice that I don't like the colour blue. From my stepsister but really my step mother, a BlackJUNIOR LARGE sweater from walmart >.< (I'm curious to see if it's still in the stores system. I plan on returning it, or maybe I'll just re gift her next year and she can see how it feels to get that for Christmas after you take so much time to figure out what to get someone). Peter(my step brother), bless him spent his own money to buy us all gift cards to the mall. My brother and sister got me gift cards for walmart. Which I asked for so again I'm pleased with that. My other brother got me season 3 of Friends. Again I thank him for paying attention to who I am to know what to get me. And the Finale from "Dad & The Stepmother" gave us all $100 gift cards all for the mall except for mine. Instead my dad knew I wanted a Nikon D60 and so he got me a gift card for Best Buy. However at best buy it costs $739 or something like that. At Black's it's $549 and Future Shop $399 for the 24th and 25th. So yeah, he meant well and paid attention so I am thankful :) Just gonna get a butt load of DVDs now :D My father couldn't help get me the Camera any further than that because he spent all his money on showering The Stepmother with jewelry and a CRUISE TRIP. Yup they are going on a $3000-$4000 (each) cruise trip. And he couldn't bother to look a little more into a camera for me. But hey, it's not like I expected it anyway. Now please do not think I am a selfish person that only cares about gifts. It's not like that. All I care about is the THOUGHT that goes into the present. And you can tell when there is thought because they are looking you in the eye hoping you'll be as happy as they were when they found your gift. To point out, everyone did that(waited for my reaction) except for The Stepmother, stepsister and my dad. That's how its been every Christmas and Birthday really, since my dad was with the stepmother. Since I was 12. Joy isn't? To top everything off, Christmas dinner. Typically it's with your immediate family. You know the Mom, Dad, sons and daughters. Not Mine. We have my dad, stepmother, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, myself and my stepmother's father, sister, her son, and then their close friends. Two other couples and one of those couples brought their 2 children and their daughters boyfriend. Yeah that was my Christmas dinner. I spent it with strangers at the "children's" table.

What ever happened to Traditions? I guess they disappear as soon as the stepmother wishes. Can you understand from this Christmas alone, why I wish to live with my mom full time? So no, it is not the most wonderful time of the year. That time of year will be the anniversary of my stepmothers death. Because only then, will my life seem just a bit closer to my normal....my home.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays :)

~

"How did we get here? I used to know you so well.
How did we get here? I think I know"

Decode - Paramore

Midnight Sun

I wish there was an Edward Cullen out there for me. Something to hold onto. Hoping that I may have love that he and Bella shared. Their story was nothing like I'd expected. To me it's the greatest love story. I could never put the book down, i was so overwhelmed in their world that I wished I could be there. To escape what life I have now. To some my life looks pretty good. I have middle class homes (mother's and father's) and currently I have satisfied way of living. Sort of.

As I read the Twilight series, I found Bella and I had a lot in common. The way we regarded others emotions and put their feelings and needs above our own. We are also shy. We shy away from the unwanted attention and feel awkward when it's being given. You can also read how we feel thru our eyes. And not to mention the clumsiness. Our type of clumsiness I feel differs. Hers is physical, mine seems to more of the mental clumsiness, tho I do have my moments of the physical. I easily fall out of a conversation, immersed in my own thoughts. Only the sound of my name pulls me back to the person I seemed to have left. Explaining my words seems to be where my clumsiness comes in. I get all flustered unable to restore things before an incident. Also, like Bella I found myself falling in love with this Edward Cullen character. Before you label me a complete freak I'll explain.

While I read about his tendencies through Bella's perspective, you could not help but feel the way she does for him. I couldn't help but admire his characteristic traits, physical and mental. I smiled everytime he was making Bella smile. It was the first time I read a book without trying to place myself in the story, I was just watching, wishing, hoping and loving all through out the book. Without knowing it til I finished the series I realized their world took me out of my own and brought me there. As I read the last sentence in Breaking Dawn I realized that it was over, "And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever." and then... The End. No more books to run to, their story was complete and they had their happy ending.

My mind began wondering if I could ever have a story like that. Something unordinary, someone to catch me off gaurd and change my life forever. Someone like Edward.

I know this sounds so silly, but come on. A chance to believe in myths and fairytales. Something or someone that isn't supposed to exist does. Think about how we live, imagine adding vampires and werewolves to it. Or witched and wizards for that matter. Think about how different our worlds would be. Can you honestly say you'd rather stick to the one you have now, without any thought to how it could be?

Stephanie Myer's writing provoked me to feel every feeling Bella had. It was a nice change from how I felt in my own world.