Decode

CHRISTMAS


Is it Really the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?


As I have said in earlier blogs, I hate Christmas. Not necessarily the event, but what it brings people to do. How I see people more clearly with this holiday makes me wish I was blind and was living in a happy family. But I'm not, and I can't deny it. Christmas is never going to be normal for me. And this year I finally saw why I hate it so much.

I'm not with "My" family. I'm always wondering while i sit and stare at this fake family, what it'd be like if my parents were still together. How would Christmas change? Would I love it again like I did when I was younger? Sitting in the family room I couldn't help but feel my stomach turn. With a painted smile, it looked like a natural happy scene. But what no one could see underneath this smile was an 18 year old girl who can't bring herself to feel like this is home. It will never be my home.

My mom is moving into a smaller home on the 28th and I can already call that home. I've never been there longer than 4 hours and it's home. I'm not sure why but I can't wait to move in. In addition to moving in there through my mom, I'm also moving in Full Time. I've decided to move out from my dad's. I need to for my physical and mental well being, and financially as well. I don't plan on telling my dad until after we've moved in. Maybe next Wednesday. I guess I need to explain what I mean by physical, mental health and financial things. Starting with Physical: I've been trying to stay healthy and fit. I've lost about 10-12 pounds through my gym class and with cutting junk food (pure sugar items) out of my diet. However I allow myself an occasional thing if I'm craving so I don't end up purging myself. Anyway, at my dad's house the only thing us "children" are allowed to have is all sugar. Snacks for lunch and lunch itself "Lunchables", Jo Louie's (or what ever you call them) CAKES covered in ICING & CHOCOLATE = Pure Sugar and fat. Not healthy and I do not care to eat them for taste either. Breakfast: Cinnamon Toast Crunch (fine every now and then) but I tend to eat bowl after bowl. It's addicting. Also lucky charms, coco puffs, captain crunch...you get the point? All Sugar filled cereals. Because of this I went to school with no breakfast and barely a lunch for almost all of High School. Now one day I found that I like Cottage Cheese with Yogurt with fruit etc. A very healthy choice that filled me up. I was content. My dad went out to buy the cottage cheese and yogurt and as soon as my stepmother tried it, She put her NAME on them all and said they are for her Diet. For she is a large woman trying to shed the pounds. And I was no longer allowed to eat them. I was told to buy my own(yet when we do buy our own food she says: Buy some for the whole family you piggys" Yes, I know, that is my Stepmother. Anyway, that's basically what most of what the healthy food in the house has. Her name on them. So I resort to Ice Chips(probably what helped me lose some weight).

Wow so that was physical, now Mental. Being fat but not technically overweight according to BMI can drain the mind and heart of a person. Especially when you are reminded of it everyday. Whether it's when I'm eating food or searching for something I'm allowed to eat that won't one day kill me or staring in the mirror. It all builds up and when your step mother who is largely overweight calls you a pig or makes other rude remarks....it hurts so much. Even though I'm lighter than her it still hurts because it just makes what I thought i was hiding so well, surface. I never really notice how I appear to others in the weight area except for when I am at my dad's and having her and her daughter make those remarks, or again when I'm trying to find something to eat. Again this is the mental side of things. When I'm at my dad's the only attention I seem to get is when it's time to clean. Her children do nothing. Example: Tonight cleaning up Christmas dinner of 20 people. My sister and I were the only ones left cleaning the kitchen while The Stepsister complained about how HER brother wasn't helping and went on to say that there was nothing left to do and disappeared. Meanwhile, my sister and I are still cleaning for another half hour. Yup that was certainly wonderful. That takes a hit on me mentally just cause all the things I want to say run through my mind and my heart always stops me because I know I'll regret saying anything because things can only get worse. My step mother also likes to add in other remarks about how she FORGOT that I was home, as an excuse as to why I'm being left out. Or for no reason she just says that when I come down the stairs. Finally, having to carry things like clothes, makeup and entertainment(not toys but like.. DVDs, ipod, camera) back and forth between both places is annoying. Especially when I forget something. I either have to walk back to get it because neither parent wishes to travel 2 minutes for me to get it. Ya I know its only a block away but when it's raining or snowing or super cold, You wouldn't want to either. So I'd walk, wait for the next time I'm there or pray that someone can spare 2 minutes for me to grab it.


Financially: Plain and Simple. I have to buy clothes, makeup, hygienics, shoes, coats etc for two houses. Yes that's right, since I was 13 and babysitting I have had to buy all of that without the help of my father. My mom did help however I had no freedom to choose what I wanted. So I have to rely on myself to be able to have normal clothes and such. And while I have to buy all that, The Stepmother buys everything for herself and her children but always complains when she has to go grocery shopping about the amount of money she has to spend to "Feed all our mouths".

Today's Physical and Mental toll on me.

Well, no one rememebers that I'm dieting and so my stocking was filled with choclates and candy while the StepChildrens is full of expensive Got2B hair products. I got mousse, which was from the kowala bear naturals brand, a mini stapler, a 2009/10 planner, 4 chocolate bars and one bag of candy. Again, the stepchildren recieve the high end hair products along with perfume and cologne and MANY other things I didn't bother to look at once i saw that their stockings overflowed with their personalities and mine did not. Present time. My sister, step sister and I got Robes from la zenza. They are nice and cozy, then we got matching UGLY watches(not worth the $29.95 at sears...they looked like they were from the Dollar Store). Oh, did I mention that I get a watch from my Stepmother every christmas and brithday? And last years was broken when I unwrapped it and she never took it in to get fixed. It's laying in my Jelwary box as we speak, just collecting dust. Mmm, I'm rambling. Ok, so we all got socks which also matched our individual robes...no one seems to notice that I don't like the colour blue. From my stepsister but really my step mother, a BlackJUNIOR LARGE sweater from walmart >.< (I'm curious to see if it's still in the stores system. I plan on returning it, or maybe I'll just re gift her next year and she can see how it feels to get that for Christmas after you take so much time to figure out what to get someone). Peter(my step brother), bless him spent his own money to buy us all gift cards to the mall. My brother and sister got me gift cards for walmart. Which I asked for so again I'm pleased with that. My other brother got me season 3 of Friends. Again I thank him for paying attention to who I am to know what to get me. And the Finale from "Dad & The Stepmother" gave us all $100 gift cards all for the mall except for mine. Instead my dad knew I wanted a Nikon D60 and so he got me a gift card for Best Buy. However at best buy it costs $739 or something like that. At Black's it's $549 and Future Shop $399 for the 24th and 25th. So yeah, he meant well and paid attention so I am thankful :) Just gonna get a butt load of DVDs now :D My father couldn't help get me the Camera any further than that because he spent all his money on showering The Stepmother with jewelry and a CRUISE TRIP. Yup they are going on a $3000-$4000 (each) cruise trip. And he couldn't bother to look a little more into a camera for me. But hey, it's not like I expected it anyway. Now please do not think I am a selfish person that only cares about gifts. It's not like that. All I care about is the THOUGHT that goes into the present. And you can tell when there is thought because they are looking you in the eye hoping you'll be as happy as they were when they found your gift. To point out, everyone did that(waited for my reaction) except for The Stepmother, stepsister and my dad. That's how its been every Christmas and Birthday really, since my dad was with the stepmother. Since I was 12. Joy isn't? To top everything off, Christmas dinner. Typically it's with your immediate family. You know the Mom, Dad, sons and daughters. Not Mine. We have my dad, stepmother, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, myself and my stepmother's father, sister, her son, and then their close friends. Two other couples and one of those couples brought their 2 children and their daughters boyfriend. Yeah that was my Christmas dinner. I spent it with strangers at the "children's" table.

What ever happened to Traditions? I guess they disappear as soon as the stepmother wishes. Can you understand from this Christmas alone, why I wish to live with my mom full time? So no, it is not the most wonderful time of the year. That time of year will be the anniversary of my stepmothers death. Because only then, will my life seem just a bit closer to my normal....my home.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays :)

~

"How did we get here? I used to know you so well.
How did we get here? I think I know"

Decode - Paramore

Midnight Sun

I wish there was an Edward Cullen out there for me. Something to hold onto. Hoping that I may have love that he and Bella shared. Their story was nothing like I'd expected. To me it's the greatest love story. I could never put the book down, i was so overwhelmed in their world that I wished I could be there. To escape what life I have now. To some my life looks pretty good. I have middle class homes (mother's and father's) and currently I have satisfied way of living. Sort of.

As I read the Twilight series, I found Bella and I had a lot in common. The way we regarded others emotions and put their feelings and needs above our own. We are also shy. We shy away from the unwanted attention and feel awkward when it's being given. You can also read how we feel thru our eyes. And not to mention the clumsiness. Our type of clumsiness I feel differs. Hers is physical, mine seems to more of the mental clumsiness, tho I do have my moments of the physical. I easily fall out of a conversation, immersed in my own thoughts. Only the sound of my name pulls me back to the person I seemed to have left. Explaining my words seems to be where my clumsiness comes in. I get all flustered unable to restore things before an incident. Also, like Bella I found myself falling in love with this Edward Cullen character. Before you label me a complete freak I'll explain.

While I read about his tendencies through Bella's perspective, you could not help but feel the way she does for him. I couldn't help but admire his characteristic traits, physical and mental. I smiled everytime he was making Bella smile. It was the first time I read a book without trying to place myself in the story, I was just watching, wishing, hoping and loving all through out the book. Without knowing it til I finished the series I realized their world took me out of my own and brought me there. As I read the last sentence in Breaking Dawn I realized that it was over, "And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever." and then... The End. No more books to run to, their story was complete and they had their happy ending.

My mind began wondering if I could ever have a story like that. Something unordinary, someone to catch me off gaurd and change my life forever. Someone like Edward.

I know this sounds so silly, but come on. A chance to believe in myths and fairytales. Something or someone that isn't supposed to exist does. Think about how we live, imagine adding vampires and werewolves to it. Or witched and wizards for that matter. Think about how different our worlds would be. Can you honestly say you'd rather stick to the one you have now, without any thought to how it could be?

Stephanie Myer's writing provoked me to feel every feeling Bella had. It was a nice change from how I felt in my own world.

Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking

After a summer of ups and downs and a lot of me time, i feel the person I'm destined to be is here. I've come to accept who I am. Something happened this past summer that made me realize I am good enough. If I want to change something on me or about me I can and will. Change is good and no one should be afraid of it. We have to learn to embrace what life throws at us, and we have to mold to what it needs us to become to survive. People are gonna be there to rip on you or encourage you. It's up to us to keep strong and live how we want. I don't know what happened, but I feel like I can chase my dreams even though I'm not sure which one I want. I believe in myself.

Eighteen mocking Candles

I'm eighteen today. Something I wish I could say with pride. To become eighteen in my culture means you're coming of age, You are finally an adult. However I see it as a half adult. I can vote and buy lottery tickets, but I cannot drink(not that i want to), gamble at a casino, or fight for your country. Once you can legally do all those things I believe you've become an adult.

With that said, I am only half of who I can't wait to be, but will always run from. Many people have done something that has directed them in the path of their future and their dreams. But I have not. And that scares me. I'm 18 and have yet to follow my dreams.

My heart knows what those dreams are, and I'm afraid to wake up to reality. I'm afraid to let my dreams die. I've made subtle comments about certain careers, but there is always one person who will tell you why you shouldn't pursue it.

I get so sick of it sometimes. I wish I wouldn't wake up. Because who I am in my dreams is a hundred times better than who I am awake.

Nine Minutes to go and sit here staring at these words and they aren't what I want them to be.

Eight Minutes ... on the edge of seventeen

Seven minutes -- wasting tonight's' dreams on marking a day

Six minutes ** I can't tell if I'm excited, or dreading this day

Five minutes I'll admit, I am a cry-a-holic Emotional Champ

Four Minutes {to save the world}

Three Minutes ~ watching the second hand

Two minutes ~~ my mind races trying to remember all I have loved at 17

One Minute £ My heart got stuck on something

Zero

I am .klla and I am here.

Wading in these shallow waters

Do you ever feel like it doesn't matter anymore?

That it doesn't matter how many days you wake up after today, you'll still be the same?

They say, "You always have tomorrow"
But you'll always be the same person. I believe that people can't change. They can hide, but they'll never be able to become someone new. It's impossible. You were born to be who you already are. There are events, or situations and people that affect who you want to become for a split second. But you will never be able to follow through in becoming it. You could last one day, a week or five minutes with the mind of who you think you are, but you can't fight you're natural instincts. You revert back to who you really are. You are just you. And we all have to accept that.

Every time we fight with ourselves, it gets worse. You're afraid to be alone with your thoughts. It's like the person you wanted to be is a constant voice. The voice that heckles you, trying to get you to change. It begins when you're alone but eventually it's every where. Every where you look there's a memory. Even when you thought you were happy with what you are, it gives you doubt.

As the World Turns

I've become a one time whore. Why? In hopes of either catching the guys heart, or to rip it apart after. I know for a fact right now that I am going to get hurt at the same time, but it's not like it's going to be as bad as the first time. I'm in control this time. I get to draw the lines, and learn a few tricks here and there. I don't think this is even going to happen, I doubt I have the heart or the guts to do it. I wanted to see him again, and at least this way he'll come back. But that's not how I wish things would have worked out. A girl has to learn somewhere right? ( i don't like my answer to that, so I pretend I'll pretend it's normal) He cant be much of a guy if he's willing to do it, but I'm gonna guess every guy is like this. They only want one thing and it ain't my heart.




People always say to wait, he'll show up one day. One day could be the day before i die...I'm a little worried about that saying.



..I'm always defending Aaron to my friends because I liked him...but I'm bias in that conversation because they're the ones who really see what's happened to me through it all. But there is this part of me that says he doesn't deserve this, and neither do I. I need to just move on. I can't let go. Good or bad I won't let go. Guess I'd have a good job as a rescuer huh. This boy always brings apart of me out that I never thought I had.



I wrote that about 2 weeks ago. I guess I was angry at myself for letting him get to me again. I know I could never go through with that, but One Tree Hill was my blueprint for it.



It's been a good month since I first wrote that. And I havn't talked to him since. Joseph was supposed to visit but becuase of the weather he couldn't make it. seems as though every plan i make falls through. Maybe that's why I prefer the spontanious plans. Not the weeks in advance kind. It's harder to get let down this way.




The only reason I stayed at Wal-mart was so I'd be able to have the chance to apply for a loss pervention poisition there. Catching the law breakers, the fun stuff. But instead I was told that my name was mentioned for the job and a co-manager (who i didn't realize even had a say in these things) shook his head and said no. He didn't day why. But I've been told that they HAVE to give you an interview, becuase you're already a worker there you get first oppurtunity. But they wouldn't even give me the interview..They should at least tell me why I'm not even being considered. It can't be for my age, gender, previous work experience becuase that's DISCRIMINATION which is against the LAW. Ironic isn't. Now it's time for me to look for a company that wants to save their products from being stolen. Loss Pervention was my chance to get a feel for the lifestyle of that kind of career. I don't want to get into policing and not know the kind of work it will be and screw my life up.

I have got to stop putting off posting blogs. Even if it's only a paragraph. I'm long over due. So Even thou what i have written, was from like.. two months ago, it shall be posted. with some new stuff. New stuff being my skills at photoshop. took me 5mins to learn and i became addicted to it.

This was the first one i put together. Becuase i <3 One tree hill :)

The rest have been posted on my facebook-so If you know me go comment :b thanks :)

Sometimes They Come Back

It's been a long time. So what brings us to this new blog would be the awesomeness that Wal mart has brought me. Yes you heard me right work at the wall is actually been pleasant. Well the work hasn't but the people I work with have made up for it. One in particular - Mystery Boy




Here's the low-down. Sunday (the 10th) a got to work and there is a rose on my locker from mystery boy. My cheeks blush and my pearly whites come out to smile like they never smiled before. I went out onto the floor to start my shift and i was in the greatest mood. Everyone kept asking who they were from, then if i found out yet. But sadly no. Not yet. Attached to the flowers was a card. Addressed to me, signed "a certain someone." This made my day and week for that matter. My friends and I concluded that it was to lead up to valentines day.




So, Tuesday the 12th. Item numero douce. A card in my locker with a lovely note making my mind run amok. Who and Why were defiantly running through my head. And the card answered Why.. but not Who. I was happy but still disappointed. I so felt tormented that on the eve of my next shift...Saterday...well past valentines day. I could not fall asleep. And when i finally do.. i wake an hour early before my alarm goes off. Got ready for work with hours to spare. I got to work and my smile finally disappeared. There was nothing. Even though the card said "perhaps next time" referring to when I would find out who mystery boy was. That work shift went by incredibly slow. Because i was still trying to figure it out.



I got to work Sunday and nothing was on my locker, i was prepared for this. I opened my locker slowly, not wanting to go out onto the floor, and a white envelope had my name on it. Inside that was a cue card with a key taped onto it. It read "Locker #216" what did you know, the key fit the lock and inside was a bag with a white teddy bear and another card, wishing me a belated v-day. I was amazed at the length this guy went to just to make me feel so special around the few days of the year that i hate. My birthday, and Christmas and every Monday that isn't a holiday are the others :)



But even with MB's latest stunt, still no word on Who he is. I'm still racking my brain on this qunadrium. The second I thought it was one guy, someone else said another name or a reason for it not to be them. But we have all agreed that he has only one thing left to do and that is to finally tell me. And he will either leave another thing or just come out and say it.



I hope it's soon, who knows..by the time he comes forward I could be dating someone. haha...but that is most unlikely. I'm gonna stick this one out to see who this awsome guy is first.




And some people may be cross with me for this, but I started talking to Aaron...yes the Aaron from the earlier blogs. For some reason i felt it important to tell him of my mystery boy.. only after he asked me about my love life. I thought it'd be nice to show him what he was missing out on. He calls Mystery boy a loser because he hasn't come forward yet...i laugh. Someone is a wee bit jealous :) J-moose and I had a good laugh about this. But then something I didn't expect ... we made minor plans to catch up. His words "man i haven't seen you in forever".....i thought it would be fun to just meet up. So i guess we'll see if those plans follow through.



Tuesday February the 19th and another note. "I think it's time that we should meet. But I will leave it to you, if you decide too." and along with that he gave me an email address. One that definitely was designed to keep anonymous yet again.



***



It's been awhile since I added mystery boyto msn and I was talking to him the other night and i finally got him to reveal himself. :) I can't say I'm disappointed. In a way I was kind of surprised based on all the things people were saying. So the mystery is over for me, not for all who want to know. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone...yet. so friends please be patient. It's worth the wait.



In the mean time, I'm pretty sure I have a hang out with Aaron this coming week. I'm kinda excited to see how he is doing and to show him who I've become. I've said before that he helped me find myself, and without him I found even more.



Life sure knows how to throw you some curve balls, but I wouldn't change a thing-because I will always accept it with grace.





side note, the artist who has captured my heart's words is Sia. Brilliant musician. <3>


Top songs

• Breathe me


• Butterflies


• Taken For Granted


• Little Black Sandals


• Lentil


• You have been loved


• Academia


• Soon We'll be Found


• I go to Sleep


• Numb


• Paranoid Android


• Moon


• Sunday

You can really hear meaning in her songs. They are beautiful so I hope you check them out :)

I Forgot to Remember to Forget

Just wanted to add a few pictures that just hit my heart.

Someone once told me i deserved better and since then that's been my only expectation. I would sit there and pick apart the guy I like, trying to figure out if he is "good enough" ... but as of now, I wonder if I am the one who is good enough? Being a teenager is awkward enough but to try and find a guy you can be yourself around and they truly like you for who you are is becoming harder and harder every day. I've said this before, and I thought I was over this stage but I guess my heart never could.

I feel like such a hypocrite because several guys have told me they like me and want to start something, but i don't feel the same way towards them. Am I wrong to say no? Am I wrong to hope to be with someone I really like? If I'm not wrong, then why haven't I been able to have a steady relationship with someone I really care about. People are telling me all the time about how beautiful I am and how I have this contagious personality. Like ...I have COMPLETE Strangers come up to me at work and say "you are a very beautiful girl" sure most of them are older...much older people but hey if they can appreciate my looks why the hell can't guys my age?

It's obvious that I care about how I look (who doesn't?) but it doesn't make me narcissistic. I just want someone to look beyond looks. I want him to hear me...see me, you know? I don't need to have those silly little flings. My heart can't take those.

People always leave.

Most of my friends are leaving to go to University and for most that means out of my life. They say the friends you make at University are friends for life. It kinda scares me because I'm missing out on that opportunity because I have chosen College. I worked so hard in all the univeristy courses at school, and now it's for nothing. I could've slacked all through school and still make it into college. Funny how that one works out. Back to what I'm trying to say. People keep saying they are getting out of this town, or they are leaving to go pursue what they are the best at. Or for some it's for another job, or residence. I don't really know how to react when someone's goodbye is forever.

The sum of one

It's been awhile, but I am still alive. J-moose I'm sure you'll be happy now.

A lot has happened, however it's been awhile since they have so its hard to remember them all. I'll try my best :P


Well...most recently, I have a new job..along with the wal-mart one. I edit biographies for a company that's just starting out. I'll be starting very soon, so I'm really excited.

I just finished up my first semester of grade 12 and based on my courses for semester two.. I just passed gr.12. I know i can't fail any of the courses i just had and I have communications technology, food and nutrition, drama, and gym. I'm very excited for that too. :) My brother is actually going to be in my drama class. It's a spilt class because there isn't enough gr 12's to have a full class.

On February 6th I will be going to see One Republic at a club :D very excited.

I'm also sending in a video to much music...hoping to win a spot on the show "The Shift"

..hmm oh yes now for the really good story.

So i'm not sure if i mentioned this before but i was in a MADD video shoot and i met this guy there. We are really good friends. But we never saw eachother after that shoot. but we always talked on msn. Most recently we talked about what happened to his plans on coming down to visit. Well stick a sign on me and call me oblivious.... i was always working when he could come down so he said he took it as a hint, that i didn't want to see him. Then he told me that the only reason he was going to go to McMaster university..was to be closer to me and start something up if i was interested. I was stunned. I felt so bad that he took things the wrong way becuase i really would have loved for him to be closer. But now he has a girlfriend... they seem to be taken over the world...blahh he just moved in with his gf in burlington, so he is a bit closer which is nice.

see this is what i mean.. i had more things..but i have forgotten them. *Sigh* I'm sure i'll rememebr them at some point.

I'm gonna cut this short for now.