Do you ever feel like it doesn't matter anymore?
That it doesn't matter how many days you wake up after today, you'll still be the same?
They say, "You always have tomorrow"
But you'll always be the same person. I believe that people can't change. They can hide, but they'll never be able to become someone new. It's impossible. You were born to be who you already are. There are events, or situations and people that affect who you want to become for a split second. But you will never be able to follow through in becoming it. You could last one day, a week or five minutes with the mind of who you think you are, but you can't fight you're natural instincts. You revert back to who you really are. You are just you. And we all have to accept that.
Every time we fight with ourselves, it gets worse. You're afraid to be alone with your thoughts. It's like the person you wanted to be is a constant voice. The voice that heckles you, trying to get you to change. It begins when you're alone but eventually it's every where. Every where you look there's a memory. Even when you thought you were happy with what you are, it gives you doubt.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
As the World Turns
I've become a one time whore. Why? In hopes of either catching the guys heart, or to rip it apart after. I know for a fact right now that I am going to get hurt at the same time, but it's not like it's going to be as bad as the first time. I'm in control this time. I get to draw the lines, and learn a few tricks here and there. I don't think this is even going to happen, I doubt I have the heart or the guts to do it. I wanted to see him again, and at least this way he'll come back. But that's not how I wish things would have worked out. A girl has to learn somewhere right? ( i don't like my answer to that, so I pretend I'll pretend it's normal) He cant be much of a guy if he's willing to do it, but I'm gonna guess every guy is like this. They only want one thing and it ain't my heart.
People always say to wait, he'll show up one day. One day could be the day before i die...I'm a little worried about that saying.
..I'm always defending Aaron to my friends because I liked him...but I'm bias in that conversation because they're the ones who really see what's happened to me through it all. But there is this part of me that says he doesn't deserve this, and neither do I. I need to just move on. I can't let go. Good or bad I won't let go. Guess I'd have a good job as a rescuer huh. This boy always brings apart of me out that I never thought I had.
I wrote that about 2 weeks ago. I guess I was angry at myself for letting him get to me again. I know I could never go through with that, but One Tree Hill was my blueprint for it.
It's been a good month since I first wrote that. And I havn't talked to him since. Joseph was supposed to visit but becuase of the weather he couldn't make it. seems as though every plan i make falls through. Maybe that's why I prefer the spontanious plans. Not the weeks in advance kind. It's harder to get let down this way.
The only reason I stayed at Wal-mart was so I'd be able to have the chance to apply for a loss pervention poisition there. Catching the law breakers, the fun stuff. But instead I was told that my name was mentioned for the job and a co-manager (who i didn't realize even had a say in these things) shook his head and said no. He didn't day why. But I've been told that they HAVE to give you an interview, becuase you're already a worker there you get first oppurtunity. But they wouldn't even give me the interview..They should at least tell me why I'm not even being considered. It can't be for my age, gender, previous work experience becuase that's DISCRIMINATION which is against the LAW. Ironic isn't. Now it's time for me to look for a company that wants to save their products from being stolen. Loss Pervention was my chance to get a feel for the lifestyle of that kind of career. I don't want to get into policing and not know the kind of work it will be and screw my life up.
People always say to wait, he'll show up one day. One day could be the day before i die...I'm a little worried about that saying.
..I'm always defending Aaron to my friends because I liked him...but I'm bias in that conversation because they're the ones who really see what's happened to me through it all. But there is this part of me that says he doesn't deserve this, and neither do I. I need to just move on. I can't let go. Good or bad I won't let go. Guess I'd have a good job as a rescuer huh. This boy always brings apart of me out that I never thought I had.
I wrote that about 2 weeks ago. I guess I was angry at myself for letting him get to me again. I know I could never go through with that, but One Tree Hill was my blueprint for it.
It's been a good month since I first wrote that. And I havn't talked to him since. Joseph was supposed to visit but becuase of the weather he couldn't make it. seems as though every plan i make falls through. Maybe that's why I prefer the spontanious plans. Not the weeks in advance kind. It's harder to get let down this way.
The only reason I stayed at Wal-mart was so I'd be able to have the chance to apply for a loss pervention poisition there. Catching the law breakers, the fun stuff. But instead I was told that my name was mentioned for the job and a co-manager (who i didn't realize even had a say in these things) shook his head and said no. He didn't day why. But I've been told that they HAVE to give you an interview, becuase you're already a worker there you get first oppurtunity. But they wouldn't even give me the interview..They should at least tell me why I'm not even being considered. It can't be for my age, gender, previous work experience becuase that's DISCRIMINATION which is against the LAW. Ironic isn't. Now it's time for me to look for a company that wants to save their products from being stolen. Loss Pervention was my chance to get a feel for the lifestyle of that kind of career. I don't want to get into policing and not know the kind of work it will be and screw my life up.
I have got to stop putting off posting blogs. Even if it's only a paragraph. I'm long over due. So Even thou what i have written, was from like.. two months ago, it shall be posted. with some new stuff. New stuff being my skills at photoshop. took me 5mins to learn and i became addicted to it.
This was the first one i put together. Becuase i <3 One tree hill :)
The rest have been posted on my facebook-so If you know me go comment :b thanks :)
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sometimes They Come Back
It's been a long time. So what brings us to this new blog would be the awesomeness that Wal mart has brought me. Yes you heard me right work at the wall is actually been pleasant. Well the work hasn't but the people I work with have made up for it. One in particular - Mystery Boy
Here's the low-down. Sunday (the 10th) a got to work and there is a rose on my locker from mystery boy. My cheeks blush and my pearly whites come out to smile like they never smiled before. I went out onto the floor to start my shift and i was in the greatest mood. Everyone kept asking who they were from, then if i found out yet. But sadly no. Not yet. Attached to the flowers was a card. Addressed to me, signed "a certain someone." This made my day and week for that matter. My friends and I concluded that it was to lead up to valentines day.
So, Tuesday the 12th. Item numero douce. A card in my locker with a lovely note making my mind run amok. Who and Why were defiantly running through my head. And the card answered Why.. but not Who. I was happy but still disappointed. I so felt tormented that on the eve of my next shift...Saterday...well past valentines day. I could not fall asleep. And when i finally do.. i wake an hour early before my alarm goes off. Got ready for work with hours to spare. I got to work and my smile finally disappeared. There was nothing. Even though the card said "perhaps next time" referring to when I would find out who mystery boy was. That work shift went by incredibly slow. Because i was still trying to figure it out.
I got to work Sunday and nothing was on my locker, i was prepared for this. I opened my locker slowly, not wanting to go out onto the floor, and a white envelope had my name on it. Inside that was a cue card with a key taped onto it. It read "Locker #216" what did you know, the key fit the lock and inside was a bag with a white teddy bear and another card, wishing me a belated v-day. I was amazed at the length this guy went to just to make me feel so special around the few days of the year that i hate. My birthday, and Christmas and every Monday that isn't a holiday are the others :)
But even with MB's latest stunt, still no word on Who he is. I'm still racking my brain on this qunadrium. The second I thought it was one guy, someone else said another name or a reason for it not to be them. But we have all agreed that he has only one thing left to do and that is to finally tell me. And he will either leave another thing or just come out and say it.
I hope it's soon, who knows..by the time he comes forward I could be dating someone. haha...but that is most unlikely. I'm gonna stick this one out to see who this awsome guy is first.
And some people may be cross with me for this, but I started talking to Aaron...yes the Aaron from the earlier blogs. For some reason i felt it important to tell him of my mystery boy.. only after he asked me about my love life. I thought it'd be nice to show him what he was missing out on. He calls Mystery boy a loser because he hasn't come forward yet...i laugh. Someone is a wee bit jealous :) J-moose and I had a good laugh about this. But then something I didn't expect ... we made minor plans to catch up. His words "man i haven't seen you in forever".....i thought it would be fun to just meet up. So i guess we'll see if those plans follow through.
Tuesday February the 19th and another note. "I think it's time that we should meet. But I will leave it to you, if you decide too." and along with that he gave me an email address. One that definitely was designed to keep anonymous yet again.
***
It's been awhile since I added mystery boyto msn and I was talking to him the other night and i finally got him to reveal himself. :) I can't say I'm disappointed. In a way I was kind of surprised based on all the things people were saying. So the mystery is over for me, not for all who want to know. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone...yet. so friends please be patient. It's worth the wait.
In the mean time, I'm pretty sure I have a hang out with Aaron this coming week. I'm kinda excited to see how he is doing and to show him who I've become. I've said before that he helped me find myself, and without him I found even more.
Life sure knows how to throw you some curve balls, but I wouldn't change a thing-because I will always accept it with grace.
side note, the artist who has captured my heart's words is Sia. Brilliant musician. <3>
Top songs
Here's the low-down. Sunday (the 10th) a got to work and there is a rose on my locker from mystery boy. My cheeks blush and my pearly whites come out to smile like they never smiled before. I went out onto the floor to start my shift and i was in the greatest mood. Everyone kept asking who they were from, then if i found out yet. But sadly no. Not yet. Attached to the flowers was a card. Addressed to me, signed "a certain someone." This made my day and week for that matter. My friends and I concluded that it was to lead up to valentines day.
So, Tuesday the 12th. Item numero douce. A card in my locker with a lovely note making my mind run amok. Who and Why were defiantly running through my head. And the card answered Why.. but not Who. I was happy but still disappointed. I so felt tormented that on the eve of my next shift...Saterday...well past valentines day. I could not fall asleep. And when i finally do.. i wake an hour early before my alarm goes off. Got ready for work with hours to spare. I got to work and my smile finally disappeared. There was nothing. Even though the card said "perhaps next time" referring to when I would find out who mystery boy was. That work shift went by incredibly slow. Because i was still trying to figure it out.
I got to work Sunday and nothing was on my locker, i was prepared for this. I opened my locker slowly, not wanting to go out onto the floor, and a white envelope had my name on it. Inside that was a cue card with a key taped onto it. It read "Locker #216" what did you know, the key fit the lock and inside was a bag with a white teddy bear and another card, wishing me a belated v-day. I was amazed at the length this guy went to just to make me feel so special around the few days of the year that i hate. My birthday, and Christmas and every Monday that isn't a holiday are the others :)
But even with MB's latest stunt, still no word on Who he is. I'm still racking my brain on this qunadrium. The second I thought it was one guy, someone else said another name or a reason for it not to be them. But we have all agreed that he has only one thing left to do and that is to finally tell me. And he will either leave another thing or just come out and say it.
I hope it's soon, who knows..by the time he comes forward I could be dating someone. haha...but that is most unlikely. I'm gonna stick this one out to see who this awsome guy is first.
And some people may be cross with me for this, but I started talking to Aaron...yes the Aaron from the earlier blogs. For some reason i felt it important to tell him of my mystery boy.. only after he asked me about my love life. I thought it'd be nice to show him what he was missing out on. He calls Mystery boy a loser because he hasn't come forward yet...i laugh. Someone is a wee bit jealous :) J-moose and I had a good laugh about this. But then something I didn't expect ... we made minor plans to catch up. His words "man i haven't seen you in forever".....i thought it would be fun to just meet up. So i guess we'll see if those plans follow through.
Tuesday February the 19th and another note. "I think it's time that we should meet. But I will leave it to you, if you decide too." and along with that he gave me an email address. One that definitely was designed to keep anonymous yet again.
***
It's been awhile since I added mystery boyto msn and I was talking to him the other night and i finally got him to reveal himself. :) I can't say I'm disappointed. In a way I was kind of surprised based on all the things people were saying. So the mystery is over for me, not for all who want to know. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone...yet. so friends please be patient. It's worth the wait.
In the mean time, I'm pretty sure I have a hang out with Aaron this coming week. I'm kinda excited to see how he is doing and to show him who I've become. I've said before that he helped me find myself, and without him I found even more.
Life sure knows how to throw you some curve balls, but I wouldn't change a thing-because I will always accept it with grace.
side note, the artist who has captured my heart's words is Sia. Brilliant musician. <3>
Top songs
- Breathe me
- Butterflies
- Taken For Granted
- Little Black Sandals
- Lentil
- You have been loved
- Academia
- Soon We'll be Found
- I go to Sleep
- Numb
- Paranoid Android
- Moon
- Sunday
You can really hear meaning in her songs. They are beautiful so I hope you check them out :)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I Forgot to Remember to Forget
Just wanted to add a few pictures that just hit my heart.
Someone once told me i deserved better and since then that's been my only expectation. I would sit there and pick apart the guy I like, trying to figure out if he is "good enough" ... but as of now, I wonder if I am the one who is good enough? Being a teenager is awkward enough but to try and find a guy you can be yourself around and they truly like you for who you are is becoming harder and harder every day. I've said this before, and I thought I was over this stage but I guess my heart never could.
I feel like such a hypocrite because several guys have told me they like me and want to start something, but i don't feel the same way towards them. Am I wrong to say no? Am I wrong to hope to be with someone I really like? If I'm not wrong, then why haven't I been able to have a steady relationship with someone I really care about. People are telling me all the time about how beautiful I am and how I have this contagious personality. Like ...I have COMPLETE Strangers come up to me at work and say "you are a very beautiful girl" sure most of them are older...much older people but hey if they can appreciate my looks why the hell can't guys my age?
It's obvious that I care about how I look (who doesn't?) but it doesn't make me narcissistic. I just want someone to look beyond looks. I want him to hear me...see me, you know? I don't need to have those silly little flings. My heart can't take those.
People always leave.
Most of my friends are leaving to go to University and for most that means out of my life. They say the friends you make at University are friends for life. It kinda scares me because I'm missing out on that opportunity because I have chosen College. I worked so hard in all the univeristy courses at school, and now it's for nothing. I could've slacked all through school and still make it into college. Funny how that one works out. Back to what I'm trying to say. People keep saying they are getting out of this town, or they are leaving to go pursue what they are the best at. Or for some it's for another job, or residence. I don't really know how to react when someone's goodbye is forever.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The sum of one
It's been awhile, but I am still alive. J-moose I'm sure you'll be happy now.
A lot has happened, however it's been awhile since they have so its hard to remember them all. I'll try my best :P
Well...most recently, I have a new job..along with the wal-mart one. I edit biographies for a company that's just starting out. I'll be starting very soon, so I'm really excited.
I just finished up my first semester of grade 12 and based on my courses for semester two.. I just passed gr.12. I know i can't fail any of the courses i just had and I have communications technology, food and nutrition, drama, and gym. I'm very excited for that too. :) My brother is actually going to be in my drama class. It's a spilt class because there isn't enough gr 12's to have a full class.
On February 6th I will be going to see One Republic at a club :D very excited.
I'm also sending in a video to much music...hoping to win a spot on the show "The Shift"
..hmm oh yes now for the really good story.
So i'm not sure if i mentioned this before but i was in a MADD video shoot and i met this guy there. We are really good friends. But we never saw eachother after that shoot. but we always talked on msn. Most recently we talked about what happened to his plans on coming down to visit. Well stick a sign on me and call me oblivious.... i was always working when he could come down so he said he took it as a hint, that i didn't want to see him. Then he told me that the only reason he was going to go to McMaster university..was to be closer to me and start something up if i was interested. I was stunned. I felt so bad that he took things the wrong way becuase i really would have loved for him to be closer. But now he has a girlfriend... they seem to be taken over the world...blahh he just moved in with his gf in burlington, so he is a bit closer which is nice.
see this is what i mean.. i had more things..but i have forgotten them. *Sigh* I'm sure i'll rememebr them at some point.
I'm gonna cut this short for now.
A lot has happened, however it's been awhile since they have so its hard to remember them all. I'll try my best :P
Well...most recently, I have a new job..along with the wal-mart one. I edit biographies for a company that's just starting out. I'll be starting very soon, so I'm really excited.
I just finished up my first semester of grade 12 and based on my courses for semester two.. I just passed gr.12. I know i can't fail any of the courses i just had and I have communications technology, food and nutrition, drama, and gym. I'm very excited for that too. :) My brother is actually going to be in my drama class. It's a spilt class because there isn't enough gr 12's to have a full class.
On February 6th I will be going to see One Republic at a club :D very excited.
I'm also sending in a video to much music...hoping to win a spot on the show "The Shift"
..hmm oh yes now for the really good story.
So i'm not sure if i mentioned this before but i was in a MADD video shoot and i met this guy there. We are really good friends. But we never saw eachother after that shoot. but we always talked on msn. Most recently we talked about what happened to his plans on coming down to visit. Well stick a sign on me and call me oblivious.... i was always working when he could come down so he said he took it as a hint, that i didn't want to see him. Then he told me that the only reason he was going to go to McMaster university..was to be closer to me and start something up if i was interested. I was stunned. I felt so bad that he took things the wrong way becuase i really would have loved for him to be closer. But now he has a girlfriend... they seem to be taken over the world...blahh he just moved in with his gf in burlington, so he is a bit closer which is nice.
see this is what i mean.. i had more things..but i have forgotten them. *Sigh* I'm sure i'll rememebr them at some point.
I'm gonna cut this short for now.
Monday, December 31, 2007
In the year two-thousand and seven
Less than six hours til 2008 and somehow I finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to get into police foundations. From the work they do I can put all of my talents into a job i will love. I can act for undercover operations, photography for detective work and again undercover rigs.
So with less than 20 mintues left of 2007 I thought i'd sum up my year.
i fell in love
i changed my look several times
i won the student election for school publicist
...hmm i think thats it. Well i had a job left it (quit) then came back..becuase they love me oh so much :P
I found that i have changed alot since 2006. At first I didn't notice it, but now thinking back on it I really have. I keep changing but i think i'm going to like who i am in 2008. The other day i said i woke up and something felt differnet. I think that, that something was me.
So with less than 20 mintues left of 2007 I thought i'd sum up my year.
i fell in love
i changed my look several times
i won the student election for school publicist
...hmm i think thats it. Well i had a job left it (quit) then came back..becuase they love me oh so much :P
I found that i have changed alot since 2006. At first I didn't notice it, but now thinking back on it I really have. I keep changing but i think i'm going to like who i am in 2008. The other day i said i woke up and something felt differnet. I think that, that something was me.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Losing my Way
I've been going through this.."funk" lately. It deals with relationships, and mainly it was my way of trying to let go of something i didn't want to let go of. I don't let go of things easily, and there are some i never will, because I'm either not strong enough, or it just means to much to me to forget. I thought because I'm a girl I'm just too emotional and I'm exaggerating my feelings. But people I've come to know better have made me realize everyone goes through this and feels the exact same thing. It's normal...it's life.
So i wrote that about 2 weeks ago....and i don't have much to add to it right now.
I've had a killer migraine all day because i slept with my contacts in...and some how I'm still wearing them. The night before i went to bed in a relay bad mood. I was talking myself to sleep. I can never fall asleep when i want to, so i talked through everything that was on my mind. Eventually i managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and something felt different. I don't know what it was but it was unsettling because i didn't understand it. Maybe i said something last night that i never realized before...
So i wrote that about 2 weeks ago....and i don't have much to add to it right now.
I've had a killer migraine all day because i slept with my contacts in...and some how I'm still wearing them. The night before i went to bed in a relay bad mood. I was talking myself to sleep. I can never fall asleep when i want to, so i talked through everything that was on my mind. Eventually i managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and something felt different. I don't know what it was but it was unsettling because i didn't understand it. Maybe i said something last night that i never realized before...
I'm lost
It's such a big world out there, and I'm already lost in it. I don't know what i want to do anymore. I want something I'll be the best at, but i want to make a difference with my work..but i want to Love it. The world isn't going to care who you were in high school, its what you bring to the world that it will care about. And right now, i don't have anything to give. I can't until i can find the girl i want to be.
It's hard to find her with my own family telling me i should lose weight, or when people ask me what i want to do...How am i supposed to answer that at 17? I have to answer to all these people and i haven't been able to answer myself. When i was 12, i never thought i would get suspended from school, or drink, or smoke. I made a promise to my mom that i would never do those things, but something changed. I became a teenager and i was tried of being the good girl. I wanted to take some risks and feel the adrenaline rush. The only thing i felt was disappointment. I hate myself for doing these things but at the same time I'm proud of myself because I did something i wanted to knowing it could be good or bad. and i took the consequences that came gracefully. I accepted the outcome because i know i don't have to drink or smoke to have fun. And because of that one risk, i saved myself from a future of abusing alcohol or ciggs.
I hate the thought of drinking now and it's something i discovered on my own. The mistakes I've made haven't hurt anyone and i don't plan on changing that. I learn from them and move on. But there's some that can't be parted with. There are those few that taunt your mind....and your heart. Those are the mistakes that i can't take anything from...as of now anyway. In 20 years i either will learn something, or completely forgotten about it. Either one would be nice. But until then, they continue to tug away.
When i was a little girl i thought that friends and family were the world. That's all i thought there was. Once my parents divorced and i got a little older i realized that I'm not the only one ....i was going somewhere with this but msn keeps distracting me ....
what do you know
...
I'm lost again.
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