Losing my Way

I've been going through this.."funk" lately. It deals with relationships, and mainly it was my way of trying to let go of something i didn't want to let go of. I don't let go of things easily, and there are some i never will, because I'm either not strong enough, or it just means to much to me to forget. I thought because I'm a girl I'm just too emotional and I'm exaggerating my feelings. But people I've come to know better have made me realize everyone goes through this and feels the exact same thing. It's normal...it's life.



So i wrote that about 2 weeks ago....and i don't have much to add to it right now.

I've had a killer migraine all day because i slept with my contacts in...and some how I'm still wearing them. The night before i went to bed in a relay bad mood. I was talking myself to sleep. I can never fall asleep when i want to, so i talked through everything that was on my mind. Eventually i managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and something felt different. I don't know what it was but it was unsettling because i didn't understand it. Maybe i said something last night that i never realized before...

I'm lost

It's such a big world out there, and I'm already lost in it. I don't know what i want to do anymore. I want something I'll be the best at, but i want to make a difference with my work..but i want to Love it. The world isn't going to care who you were in high school, its what you bring to the world that it will care about. And right now, i don't have anything to give. I can't until i can find the girl i want to be.

It's hard to find her with my own family telling me i should lose weight, or when people ask me what i want to do...How am i supposed to answer that at 17? I have to answer to all these people and i haven't been able to answer myself. When i was 12, i never thought i would get suspended from school, or drink, or smoke. I made a promise to my mom that i would never do those things, but something changed. I became a teenager and i was tried of being the good girl. I wanted to take some risks and feel the adrenaline rush. The only thing i felt was disappointment. I hate myself for doing these things but at the same time I'm proud of myself because I did something i wanted to knowing it could be good or bad. and i took the consequences that came gracefully. I accepted the outcome because i know i don't have to drink or smoke to have fun. And because of that one risk, i saved myself from a future of abusing alcohol or ciggs.

I hate the thought of drinking now and it's something i discovered on my own. The mistakes I've made haven't hurt anyone and i don't plan on changing that. I learn from them and move on. But there's some that can't be parted with. There are those few that taunt your mind....and your heart. Those are the mistakes that i can't take anything from...as of now anyway. In 20 years i either will learn something, or completely forgotten about it. Either one would be nice. But until then, they continue to tug away.

When i was a little girl i thought that friends and family were the world. That's all i thought there was. Once my parents divorced and i got a little older i realized that I'm not the only one ....i was going somewhere with this but msn keeps distracting me ....

what do you know

...

I'm lost again.