After my last post i was feeling really good about myself. i felt like i had made it through this stage that had me wanting to ...i don't know. i didn't want to die, but i didn't want to live either. it was like i had nothing to live for. once i went up stairs to get ready for bed, everything came exploding back 3x's worse. I went into this state that my body did what my mind said not to. i was fed up with my hair and looking at it ...my body grabbed the scissors and my hands and eyes saw nothing but ugly. i cut, and cute and cut. tired of looking at the same me every single day. i was close to bleaching my hair, just for the change. i had the bucket filled with bleach. But my mind kept butting in yelling at me. telling me to stop. i didn't know what i was doing. i didn't even know if the bleach would have worked, or if it would make me lose my hair...then id be having a really bad day. i finally gained some control back. I went back to my room, disappointed in myself. i felt so helpless. there's nothing i can do right now. i have to grit my teeth and bare it. so what do i resort to? Tv. someone else's life to take me out of my own. so then i grab food..well it isnt really food. it was junk. a candy cane and a chocolate bar at 1 30 in the morning. i felt disgusting. i had dinner, but here i was wanting more. it tasted really bad, but i still shoved it into my mouth. i needed to fall asleep so i turned off the tv and just layed in the darkness...my darkness. my mind came back and badgered me again, "i'm tired of being the victim, get over yourself and DO SOMETHING!" and all i could do was cry a pathetic cry.
i woke up this morning, my hair still a mess. i wanted to lay there and never get up, but i had to. i had things to do. important things. once i was up i turned on my music and i felt sane again. like id be ok. music was my savour. it slowly brought me back out of the darkness i had consumed myself in. I had arrived at school, dropped off a gift for the toy drive, then went to the library to finish my homework. being alone in the study carasole made me feel insignificant. come to school everyday, do the homework yet i still can't achieve my expectations, not even my parents are met. I left the house this morning on a positive note, i felt good again, but i got to school and all the eyes-judging or not, tore me down.
when i'm surrounded by friends i'm ok, but when i'm alone...things just change
With the way i've been feeling, i think there's something wrong with me. One second im happy then BAM it's gone into this deep depression. i don't get it. I don't want to be miserable, but it's just there. I need to be saved before i'm in this darkness again and i can't get out. After last night--i don't know what i'm capable of. I'm afraid that next time, the light won't come back on.
2 comments:
I'm pretty sure i'm becoming more and more intrigued to read what you write every day. Firstly, I never thought in a million years that anyone out there felt the same way i do, and its good to know there's someone i can relate to. Try not to think about people judging you, because it will only make you feel worse. I've given up on what people think about me, because they don't know the real me. It sucks that highschool has a way of hiding our true identity, but if you can find a way to be yourself and have people judge you based on that, you have nothing to worry about, because your a great person!!!
OMG!
no wonder you said i wouldn't be happy when i read this. you were right. xD
but lol, seriously don't feel like that! i've told u like 5839458935839583958x.
and lol, ur hair looked pretty today :) but dude, never do that again! seriously! idk what i'd do if that happened :( :( :(
mr. pimp would be all alone :'(
Post a Comment