When all is said and done

Alright, so i am 17 and i keep a journal....well i try. I find its very therapeutic...although i thought i lost it, and i was freaking out. Luckily i did find it...in my desk drawer, can you tell i don't use it that often? I find myself always reading all my entries, leading up to now. I got it in the summer before i started gr 11. I laugh at what i said alot. i find that i was such a little kid, because i would write about something i absolutely loved, then reading back on it, that thing is gone, or something changed how i felt about it. I went from obssesed to, judging what i loved.





I might as well use the real names of people becuase i'm sure they will never find this, and if they do, congrats you know how i really feel.

Exhibit A

My brother was in a rep baseball team that started up in april or may of this year, and i met a couple of guys through it. I ended up dating one-Jonathan for about 3 weeks, then i called it off, it was an odd relationship. He just wasnt for me. So i still went to their games because i supported my brother and i was coaches daughter, so i had to really support my family sport lifestyle. Once jonathan and i had broken up, there was a sleep-over tournament in the states that i went to, and almost the enitre team was there ( in the same hotel), so it was a little awkward with Jon becuase i started to like another guy on the team, "aar-pro" --Aaron. It was nice, i really came out of my shy little shell to talk to this guy i liked and i wasnt afraid. Normally i am becuase i don't want to be judged, but becuas ei had never met him before i felt safer. He didn't know my past with school kids and i didnt know his. Things were really great. Although we never had an offcial relationship together, it felt like we did. The way he talked with me overwhelmed me, i still cant describe it, other then amazing. But the odds were against us.

in my writers craft class we were to write a relfective essay and i chose to write about him. i didnt realize that writing it would lead me to a little self discovery.

So here it is.

Even time can’t erase this love


When things happen in my life, however small or big they are, they manage to change my life. Maybe not to that extreme, but they are still the pieces of who I am. They define what I’ve done, where I’ve been, and how I’ve survived.

There are some things that we hold really close to us, whether it’s our first steps, or our first ballet recital. For me, my two firsts came at the same time. It was my first time driving the car alone. I had my G2 for about 3 weeks and my parents finally insured me under their car and let me take it out. They thought I was going to go to the Meadowlands, pick up a few friends and go nuts. Apparently they don’t really know me.

The sun was almost down, completing a beautiful day, turning into a breathtaking night. Driving down Jerseyville Road, I crossed into many towns. Their signs marking the borders that I was escaping. My music silenced the world. “Explosions in the Sky” was creating this new world that I could go to. This world…this world was Him. Every song reminded me of what my summer had been, and how different it was. A good kind of different.

No cars insight, it’s finally dark. I’m so close to this world that only speed could get me there. I was trying to escape my life’s questions and doubtful answers. Seventy km/hr couldn’t get me there, but 160 could. It felt like time had stopped for a split second and I tasted the other world and I wanted more. I was just gliding through this place that brought me to life. Our worlds collided.

Campfires blazing to my blind eyes, the breeze of summer’s closure brought me back. Back to the world that I didn’t want anymore. That night changed who I was. Or I guess I lost a part of who I was. His name was Aaron and he stole my heart. His voice was gentle and his eyes were mesmerizing. I couldn’t sleep anymore, it just faded away. He was my energy and I just kept going. I was afraid I’d wake up and he’d be gone. It only took me 4 months to realize it. And now it was being given back. It always works in the movies. When they have obstacles, they always overcome them, if not, there is a sequel and it happens the second time around. As you may have guessed this is my other first. It was my first time giving my heart away.

At seventeen I didn’t expect for it to happen. But it did, and part of me is glad that it happened, because I’ll always have the memories we had together. I was at every single game he had. The perks of being coach’s daughter, and having a brother. Because it was outside of school, there were no cliques to fall into. You just had to be yourself. The away games were the best because we’d get to rent off a block of rooms at a hotel and just let lose. The parents would gather and drink their beer and wine, thus leaving all of us to do what we wanted. Some chose to pool hop, and others were smart enough to stay a little bit sober, since they had a game bright and early the next day…The other part of me hates it because it’s gone. Not because we wanted it to end, but because we were too young to fight for it.




I’m not someone who trusts easily. I let people into my life, but if they make it all the way through-to “me” then I know they’re special and they are the ones who are never going to leave me, not completely. When I realized that he had stolen my heart, things seemed to blur together, and I felt something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.


No matter where I go, I’ll always be reminded of him. This is one of those things I will never forget. It’s something so important to me. One of the things that will always remind me of it is the band Explosions in the Sky. His love for something brought me this music that made you let go of everything. So whenever I want to remember, I just listen. Their music is incredible. It’s just music, no vocals. It amazed me how powerful it was and how it affected me. The names for their songs were unique, and so rare for this type of music. I wanted to put them all together to create one last memory that I could take with me. Something I’ll never forget and I could never lose.


Snow and lights
Explosions in the sky
How strange, innocence

Look into the air
Glittering blackness
The birth and death of day

What do you go home to?
Have you passed through this night?
Welcome, Ghosts

Your hand in mine
Our last day as children
It’s natural to be afraid

Home
A song for our fathers
Remember me as a time of day
A poor man’s memory

First breath after coma
A slow dance
Magic hours
Greet Death

Those who tell the truth shall die,
Those who tell the truth shall live forever

The moon is down


Catastrophe and the cure

Six days at the bottom of the ocean
The earth is not a dead place


So long, lonesome
Lonely train
Memorial

All of a sudden I miss everyone


With tired Eyes, tired Minds, tired Souls, we slept

Time stops
for
explosions
in the
sky

Driving down that road that night completed a part of me, but took away another. It’s funny how it works, but that’s life. As cliché as it sounds; I would rather have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all, because now, I know how it feels to lose something. And if I’m lucky enough to have it again, I won’t ever let go. No matter how much it hurts right now, I would never ask to have never met him. He is an amazing guy and he changed my outlook on life. When I said I felt something I never felt before, I meant it. He was always looking out for me, making me laugh. a+w, stork, ka, klla, 9 iron, and hippo. The story of the Hippo and the Stork. I remember one night, Shelby and I needed a blanket. So we ran to the car and saw that his car was beside ours (like most nights). I was a little buzzed so I decided to follow my child instincts and write on the rear window. “Hippo for the night!” was all I wrote. Aaron and I had decided that if he were to let in another 9 runs, he could get the hippo (an msn smiley that is spanking the air) for the night. Closer to the end of the game, I got some of my senses back. I was going to erase it, but they got there before I had. Shelby and I began to laugh hysterically. His father with a puzzled look on his face then comes to the conclusion it was me and yells to Aaron, “Aar-pro! Your girlfriend is writing love notes on the car.” Later on asking if I was the hippo, although I wasn’t, it stuck ever since. I’m surrounded by things that will never let go of me. He made me feel so safe with being myself. I never had to change. He loved me for me. We never said goodbye. And we never will, because we will never leave each other’s side. Now here I stand, and I’m still just that girl. I’m following my heart in this amazing crazy world.

Time will never erase this love.
Because he’ll always be with me, in my heart.

Just like i said about how my journal entries made me feel like a stupid little kid, a month after submitting this for my class, he came back into my life for a bout a second. It was my school's Sr.Semi formal, and for once i wanted to have a date. So i asked him if he was interested in accompanying me, he told me that he would like to but he couldn't commit because he might have a hockey tournament that weekend. He said had let me know in a few days. An entire week went by and he had no answer, so i felt like something was up. Maybe it was awkward for him or w/e. so after many messages, i was fed up and so i texted him while on my dinner break at work. a little while later he answered back. he said he knew that they were sending the younger kids for the tournament so he was free, but he wanted to see if things got better with a girl there, Before he committed to ME! i was shocked and i completely lost it. I was NOT going to be someones sloppy seconds. i told him to just focus on the girl he was having troubles with. I'm not for coming between a couple. or possible couple. My friends told me to still go to the dance, but i knew how i would feel at the dance. Alone. Watching all the couples dancing with each other, just wrapped up in a world with a population of two. I couldn't help but think about why i don't have that yet. Every day im reminded of it, but i don't know what im doing that turns off guys. im not very large, but i would think i have a decent face and personality. So when this guy said that i just broke down. he was someone i thought i could trust but then this happens, like okay i get it he moved on, but to drag me along as a back up? it hurt because i wasn't good enough for him anymore. I felt so Stupid for letting this guy into my heart, and thinking that i was falling for him, and he didn't feel the same way.

i just wish that someone would tell me what i'm doing wrong, and how i can make it right.