in my english class we had to write a timed essay (60-70 mins). it was to be a personal essay on anything as long as it had some self discover in the end and used the literary devices we had learned. i found that once i started writing mine i didn't look for any devices i just wrote what i felt at the time. i was going through a very tough time with myself right now and it really showed through...my teacher phoned my dad at his work and left him a message telling him about how i have such a talent for self reflective writing especially in a timed environment. and he said that my dad should read the essay. My PERSONAL essay. my teacher read it, he KNEW that i wrote about how i felt with my parents, it was pretty much my confessional. One day he asked me if everything was ok, it totally caught me off guard but it was really...comforting. I don't know why though. He was the first person to ask me if i was ok. i felt like i mattered again. i felt like my writing meant something and it just wasn't a bunch of words. And so with out further adieu, my personal essay.
Dear someone listening,
I'm .klla
known as k___
given k______ l_____ l______
I am seventeen years old
i am a student
i am an angel
i am a devil
i am sometimes in between
i am full of self belief
haunted by self doubt
i like to be by myself
i hate to be alone
I love to laugh
but love depresses me
i'm afraid to do new things
but am willing to try
i am who i am in this year of
two thousand and seven.
My short version of the poem "Ellie and inventor of being". Ellie seemed to know exactly who she was and what she wanted, just like everyone around me. Everyone seems to know exactly who they are and what they're meant to be..everyone but me. If i could bring back just one person into my life, it would be my 10 year old self.
She is the perfect person to remind me of what i've done, what i've seen and how i've survived. She's the girl i lost along the way, or maybe i never had her to begin with. This girl was so happy. She had family and friends, but most of all she had life.
As i began to grow up i lost a lot of that. The world tainted my innocence, My parents split up by the age of 11. That's when i lost her completely. I was forced to grow up faster. I had to be able to say goodbye to my mother and father every week, just so i could be with the other. Being forced into that situation was really hard on me. That's when i started to withdraw. At 10 i was a wild kid. i could never stop talking, but at 11 i did. and i carried that with me every single day. I'm now 17, and i still carry that burden. I have more reasons to hold onto it because a lot has happened to me.
I'm a girl with blue eyes that like to change to green and sometimes grey..my personal mood ring. I have brown hair currently hiding beneath the blond. I'm not fat, but i'm not skinny either. Now you know a little about me, and how i look. But doesn't that tell you who i really am? That's a question i can't answer because i still don't know who i am. I though i had control of my life, but something else had control over me.
I've turned into this person that the 10 year old me would've hated. I've been taking these risks lately...testing my limits, just seeing how far i can go. I tried smoking, but not for the pleasure of it. I wanted to figure out why people would want to poison themselves. It didn't take me long to figure it out. It's a sense of control, and an oral fixation. It's in your mind, and i had no problem letting go. I then tried something else...drinking. My parents were always cool about letting us have a little drink in the house on special occasions. But it was the night of my school's Homecoming dance and i wanted to loosen up a little so that i'd be able to talk to people without worrying about what i looked like. I didn't really understand the whole percentage system- i just downed 3/4 of a 500 mL bottle of Vodka. A huge mistake. i had passed out within the hour of arriving at the dance. Luckily i had amazing friends trying to support me and keep me awake, but it got to the point where adults were needed. I could feel the disappointment all around me.
It was a mistake i have to live with, but apart of me is glad that it happened. I learned from it. It's too close to me now to be my past, but when it finally does become my past, i will look back on it everyday. The only substance i'll drown myself in, is a bubble bath with music.
You don't need cigarettes or alcohol to feel alive. There are other safer things. All you really need is family and friends. Sure there are some days when you want to get rid of it all, but you'll regret it. This is what life is. Having the stories that your children will want to hear and they'll be surprised, but some of your mistakes may save them from one. I'd rather call it a life lesson then mistake, because you regret mistakes, life lessons take the moments and you cherish them because they changed you and your outlook on life-in a way.
I can't follow the bread crumbs back to the 10 yr old me. And i don't want to. I am in a war with myself, but so is everyone else. It's just apart of growing up and trying to figure out who you are. Awhile ago i would have said that i want to skip ahead to when i'm 25, and im starting to settle down, but i realized i would've missed everyone and everything. I would have missed life.
To these that i would have missed: family dinner, growing up as a child, tasty delights of a four yr old self, roaring campfires, sand between my toes. Soft rain falls, bright night skies unleashing its stars. Explosions in the sky. Road trips. Bubble baths. walking through the forest with falls' leaves crunching beneath my feet. Home. Baseball. Photography. Disney movies:snuggled up tight with mugzy. Calla the brave. Trust. Love. Summer. Church bells, grandpa. music, films. the Cottage. Christmas. Bed: sleep: dreams: dreaming: pavement carrying my feet to all that i've missed.
5 comments:
It's great to have teachers who care. I likely have 2 teachers, a married couple, i can always count on. Whenever I look down they always ask if i'm ok, and it makes my day if they do. I think we all want to be our 10 year old self again, because they embody our hopes and dreams. But if we stayed like our 10 year old self we'd never learn to grow up. I know it sucks to think that you've can only show that part of you at certain times now, but when you do make it count. Let everyone around you know exactly who you are and why your here!!
you've been through so much, reading your past blogs and this one..honestly, though i don't know you well, it makes me want to hold you and tell you everything is gonna be alright. you know, writing out how you feel is one thing, knowing that people care and are here for you and are willing to help you is another. though im not in the same situation as you, i've been in your situation or somewhere around it. i was basically forced to move during the end of 5th grade. i had to let go of my best friend, my friends, my teachers who were always here for me. i used to be this crazy wild girl, and now im not. i can't open up anymore. since then i've bolted my feeling inside me to the point where i'd break down. then it'd start all over again. making friends through out middle school was hard, i was known as the popular girl in elementary school and when i switched schools, i was known as the loner. i didn't talk much, or go out much. it was from home to school, then from school to home. for about 3 full years. i still kept touch with my best friend, i wasn't gonna let him go, and i still can't. starting high school i wanted to change everything. i talked a bit more with people and made a few friends here and there. not the type i'd tell my secrets or problems to, but ones to talk with during school. this year, i laugh a little more and i smile a little more. but, summer of 2007 i was in an accident. it was during school and i was kept in a coma. at the time i hadn't seen my best friend in about 5 months, we kept in touch via telephone/msn. he got shot and died while i was in my coma. he was like, my everything. he was like my older brother, i only told him everything and he would always be there for me. he'd assure me that everything would be alright and he'd be that one person i'd be willing to tell anything, just anything at all. my parents didn't tell me until 2 weeks later after i woke up and i just kept it in. i couldn't believe it. i felt so worthless and alone inside, as if i had nothing more to live for, i had no one anymore. one day my whole family went out and i was home alone. it got to me, thats when i started to cry over his death and i just fell to the ground and cried. i was on my knees, i was shaking and i was hittin the wall, i was begging for a friend. with the whole family out and me alone by myself it got to me. like i said, my best friend is someone who i didn't want to let go of, and i still can't let him go. when im with friends or family, the people i love the most, im happy. when im alone, im different. its like something is on top of me, like im a puppet being beat up inside and i feel miserable and i want that feeling to go away. i started grade 10 this year, it was hard. i knew that my best friend wouldn't want to see me miserable so yes i smiled more and i laughed a bit more, but i felt so fake inside like it was all just an act. i didn't know who i was, and im just starting to figure out who i am this year. i miss the little girl i used to be, i want to be her again but i know i can't. but i can be me, and i can be happy. so starting this year, another chapter of my life, i had kept things in, i kept it inside and just last week it came back to bite me. i cried in school infront of a teacher and they were worried. the past came back to me because i didn't accept it at the time. i didn't accept what had happened and tried to act like it wasn't happening but thats not the right thing to do. i finally opened, but to a teacher and i didn't feel right so i told a friend. they dont go to my school but he's close to me, and he listened. talking about it helps. i've learned to not hold it in and i think after last week, when i smile i feel like im smiling because i am happy, not so that i can put on a show for others. and just have faith, i believe theres someone out there for everyone, you may think you wont find them but you'll soon enough be guided to them. so now, never have regrets, your past is like a book for you to go back and read and learn from, theres always a moral to every story. life's hard, it always has challenges. sure you may not totally be ok in the end, but i want to see you be ok and assured. i want to see you happy klla, and just look deep within. do the things you've always wanted to and talk to your friends, be with them and share your thoughts. a wilted flower can always have water poured on it and it'll spring up and spread its beautiful colors upon others and i know you can do that klla. xoxo
you are very talented. i'm glad your teacher cares about you enough. i really liked your essay it was really good. your writing skills are superb!
lol btw,
i love the whole "i'm an angel i'm a devil i am somtimes in between" part (hehe ;) )
mr. p.
oh and btw, i love the picture with the ipod. very cool!
i'll keep you too that promise. I won't let it die either.
Post a Comment