In the year two-thousand and seven

Less than six hours til 2008 and somehow I finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to get into police foundations. From the work they do I can put all of my talents into a job i will love. I can act for undercover operations, photography for detective work and again undercover rigs.





So with less than 20 mintues left of 2007 I thought i'd sum up my year.





i fell in love





i changed my look several times





i won the student election for school publicist





...hmm i think thats it. Well i had a job left it (quit) then came back..becuase they love me oh so much :P





I found that i have changed alot since 2006. At first I didn't notice it, but now thinking back on it I really have. I keep changing but i think i'm going to like who i am in 2008. The other day i said i woke up and something felt differnet. I think that, that something was me.

Losing my Way

I've been going through this.."funk" lately. It deals with relationships, and mainly it was my way of trying to let go of something i didn't want to let go of. I don't let go of things easily, and there are some i never will, because I'm either not strong enough, or it just means to much to me to forget. I thought because I'm a girl I'm just too emotional and I'm exaggerating my feelings. But people I've come to know better have made me realize everyone goes through this and feels the exact same thing. It's normal...it's life.



So i wrote that about 2 weeks ago....and i don't have much to add to it right now.

I've had a killer migraine all day because i slept with my contacts in...and some how I'm still wearing them. The night before i went to bed in a relay bad mood. I was talking myself to sleep. I can never fall asleep when i want to, so i talked through everything that was on my mind. Eventually i managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and something felt different. I don't know what it was but it was unsettling because i didn't understand it. Maybe i said something last night that i never realized before...

I'm lost

It's such a big world out there, and I'm already lost in it. I don't know what i want to do anymore. I want something I'll be the best at, but i want to make a difference with my work..but i want to Love it. The world isn't going to care who you were in high school, its what you bring to the world that it will care about. And right now, i don't have anything to give. I can't until i can find the girl i want to be.

It's hard to find her with my own family telling me i should lose weight, or when people ask me what i want to do...How am i supposed to answer that at 17? I have to answer to all these people and i haven't been able to answer myself. When i was 12, i never thought i would get suspended from school, or drink, or smoke. I made a promise to my mom that i would never do those things, but something changed. I became a teenager and i was tried of being the good girl. I wanted to take some risks and feel the adrenaline rush. The only thing i felt was disappointment. I hate myself for doing these things but at the same time I'm proud of myself because I did something i wanted to knowing it could be good or bad. and i took the consequences that came gracefully. I accepted the outcome because i know i don't have to drink or smoke to have fun. And because of that one risk, i saved myself from a future of abusing alcohol or ciggs.

I hate the thought of drinking now and it's something i discovered on my own. The mistakes I've made haven't hurt anyone and i don't plan on changing that. I learn from them and move on. But there's some that can't be parted with. There are those few that taunt your mind....and your heart. Those are the mistakes that i can't take anything from...as of now anyway. In 20 years i either will learn something, or completely forgotten about it. Either one would be nice. But until then, they continue to tug away.

When i was a little girl i thought that friends and family were the world. That's all i thought there was. Once my parents divorced and i got a little older i realized that I'm not the only one ....i was going somewhere with this but msn keeps distracting me ....

what do you know

...

I'm lost again.

Short Breaths

I miss the way he made me feel.

....

plain and simple

Ode...

Bonus assignment for English class...it has to be a horrbile ode to something...and i chose my place of work, it was easy and my teacher dispises this place. Enjoy...it brought me great laughter.

“OWED” to Wal-mart


Oh how thee taketh my life every single night
A smile at the start of the shift
Gone within minutes when a customer starts to bitch
Oh wal-mart
How I love thy equality
You’re frivolity
Engages me
We never forget the 5 and 30 rule
We know we are so cool
We just prefer to ignore
Our attempt
Just like the tax exempt
And those who can’t read
A 12 or less sign
But it don’t matter because we are so fine
Wal-mart shall always be mine
A love hate relationship
The bags, oh how they love to rip
Obviously it was my intention
Our mistakes become others crisis intervention

“You’re card was declined”

“Impossible! *Growls* Check it again...If you could be so kind”

“You signed the back, it does not match.”

They turn and leave all behind
The groceries now reassigned
Just another night at the Wal-mart delight

J-moose...i hope you liked that one :P

The First Cut Is the Deepest

in my english class we had to write a timed essay (60-70 mins). it was to be a personal essay on anything as long as it had some self discover in the end and used the literary devices we had learned. i found that once i started writing mine i didn't look for any devices i just wrote what i felt at the time. i was going through a very tough time with myself right now and it really showed through...my teacher phoned my dad at his work and left him a message telling him about how i have such a talent for self reflective writing especially in a timed environment. and he said that my dad should read the essay. My PERSONAL essay. my teacher read it, he KNEW that i wrote about how i felt with my parents, it was pretty much my confessional. One day he asked me if everything was ok, it totally caught me off guard but it was really...comforting. I don't know why though. He was the first person to ask me if i was ok. i felt like i mattered again. i felt like my writing meant something and it just wasn't a bunch of words. And so with out further adieu, my personal essay.

Dear someone listening,

I'm .klla

known as k___

given k______ l_____ l______

I am seventeen years old

i am a student

i am an angel

i am a devil

i am sometimes in between

i am full of self belief

haunted by self doubt

i like to be by myself

i hate to be alone

I love to laugh

but love depresses me

i'm afraid to do new things

but am willing to try

i am who i am in this year of

two thousand and seven.

My short version of the poem "Ellie and inventor of being". Ellie seemed to know exactly who she was and what she wanted, just like everyone around me. Everyone seems to know exactly who they are and what they're meant to be..everyone but me. If i could bring back just one person into my life, it would be my 10 year old self.

She is the perfect person to remind me of what i've done, what i've seen and how i've survived. She's the girl i lost along the way, or maybe i never had her to begin with. This girl was so happy. She had family and friends, but most of all she had life.

As i began to grow up i lost a lot of that. The world tainted my innocence, My parents split up by the age of 11. That's when i lost her completely. I was forced to grow up faster. I had to be able to say goodbye to my mother and father every week, just so i could be with the other. Being forced into that situation was really hard on me. That's when i started to withdraw. At 10 i was a wild kid. i could never stop talking, but at 11 i did. and i carried that with me every single day. I'm now 17, and i still carry that burden. I have more reasons to hold onto it because a lot has happened to me.

I'm a girl with blue eyes that like to change to green and sometimes grey..my personal mood ring. I have brown hair currently hiding beneath the blond. I'm not fat, but i'm not skinny either. Now you know a little about me, and how i look. But doesn't that tell you who i really am? That's a question i can't answer because i still don't know who i am. I though i had control of my life, but something else had control over me.

I've turned into this person that the 10 year old me would've hated. I've been taking these risks lately...testing my limits, just seeing how far i can go. I tried smoking, but not for the pleasure of it. I wanted to figure out why people would want to poison themselves. It didn't take me long to figure it out. It's a sense of control, and an oral fixation. It's in your mind, and i had no problem letting go. I then tried something else...drinking. My parents were always cool about letting us have a little drink in the house on special occasions. But it was the night of my school's Homecoming dance and i wanted to loosen up a little so that i'd be able to talk to people without worrying about what i looked like. I didn't really understand the whole percentage system- i just downed 3/4 of a 500 mL bottle of Vodka. A huge mistake. i had passed out within the hour of arriving at the dance. Luckily i had amazing friends trying to support me and keep me awake, but it got to the point where adults were needed. I could feel the disappointment all around me.

It was a mistake i have to live with, but apart of me is glad that it happened. I learned from it. It's too close to me now to be my past, but when it finally does become my past, i will look back on it everyday. The only substance i'll drown myself in, is a bubble bath with music.

You don't need cigarettes or alcohol to feel alive. There are other safer things. All you really need is family and friends. Sure there are some days when you want to get rid of it all, but you'll regret it. This is what life is. Having the stories that your children will want to hear and they'll be surprised, but some of your mistakes may save them from one. I'd rather call it a life lesson then mistake, because you regret mistakes, life lessons take the moments and you cherish them because they changed you and your outlook on life-in a way.

I can't follow the bread crumbs back to the 10 yr old me. And i don't want to. I am in a war with myself, but so is everyone else. It's just apart of growing up and trying to figure out who you are. Awhile ago i would have said that i want to skip ahead to when i'm 25, and im starting to settle down, but i realized i would've missed everyone and everything. I would have missed life.

To these that i would have missed: family dinner, growing up as a child, tasty delights of a four yr old self, roaring campfires, sand between my toes. Soft rain falls, bright night skies unleashing its stars. Explosions in the sky. Road trips. Bubble baths. walking through the forest with falls' leaves crunching beneath my feet. Home. Baseball. Photography. Disney movies:snuggled up tight with mugzy. Calla the brave. Trust. Love. Summer. Church bells, grandpa. music, films. the Cottage. Christmas. Bed: sleep: dreams: dreaming: pavement carrying my feet to all that i've missed.

outside looking in

again with writer's craft we had to write another reflective essay...i pulled this one out of my ass in about 2 and a half hours...the day it was due. it's rough but whatever. i apologize for the weird way that the essay lines turned out...i couldnt fix them.

Outside looking in

My experience as an outsider in a public place was an odd one. I didn’t belong
with these people. Since then I have left them to become my own person. I freed myself
from the strings that pull people into groups. At least I thought I did. I never could cut the
strings, they were just longer. I was getting tangled in the social world. I was being pulled
in so many directions, that I couldn’t tell where I wanted to be.


I was better then people I was with in the beginning. As horrible as that sounds, I
deserved better. I deserved friends who were like me; they understand me, accept me and
are proper and socially acceptable. Eating lunch with them every day in a socially
unacceptable place already made me feel like an outsider. The judging eyes passing by,
only for a second yet thrusting a life sentence. I was an outsider to the outcasts, so what
did that make me? I didn’t belong with them. I was someone who was afraid of showing
who I was, so I stuck myself in a group that didn’t care what colour my hair was, or if I
had glasses, if I was skinny or fat. But I judged them. I was an outsider to them, which
meant I belonged somewhere else. I belonged in a different group, one that judges, and one that accepts. These people that I had given three years of my life to were crude, rude,
annoying, and weird. All but one whom I still talk to. He doesn’t belong in that group,
but it’s what he wants so I’m happy for him. I just didn’t belong with them, because I am
a “Judger”.


I’m not a vocal judger. I run a sitcom line from the show “Friends” through my
head that fits what I see, I laugh to myself, the judged none the wiser. I’m not a cruel
person. Everyone judges people. I judge through constructive criticism. The person I pick apart the most is myself. Often a time, I’m caught looking at myself in my mirror. All I
ever stare at is my body. Lately I’ve just been looking in the mirror and all I see are my
eyes. And within them are the eyes of my younger self, wondering where she went. She
wants to get out. She feels trapped in the mind of a twenty-one year old. Another
personality. Yet sometimes her emotions come through to my surface, and I recognize
her. I embrace her, and I begin to love my body. And then I find myself at school the next
day and she’s gone. She left me to defend myself, in the piranha infested halls.


I like to name my personalities. They are all so different, and I don’t want to
connect them to the little girl I was. I’m tired of being the innocent girl that my parents
want to tuck in. I want to live life on the edge; I call her Natalie (Nat when she’s present).
The little girl who wants out is known as Kaitlyn. Someone I’m not too fond of right
now. When I’m the girl in between I’m just Kate. The reason for all these personalities is
explainable, but I don’t think I could do it any justice. The best I could say is "I’m just a
girl trying to become a woman she would want to be". Struggling with who, what, where,
when, and why. Music seems to be the best provoking tool that brings parts of me out.
Characters in movies and shows also play their part. I see the persona, and I want to be
that person. One reason why I want to be an actor. I can morph into the character

required, submerging myself completely, and coming up for air now and then.


You look at me and see the girl who lives inside the golden world But don't believe that's all there is to see. You'll never know the real me. I smile through a
thousand tears, and harbour adolescent fears. I dream of all that I can never be. I wade in
insecurity and hide inside myself. Don't say I take it all for granted. I'm well aware of all
I have. Don't think that I am disenchanted, please understand. It seems as though I've
always been somebody outside looking in. Well, here I am for all of them to bleed, but
they can't take my heart from me. And they can't bring me to my knees. They'll never
know the real me. – Mariah Carey says it best. You’ll never know the real me, until I
know myself.

one hundred and eighty degrees

After my last post i was feeling really good about myself. i felt like i had made it through this stage that had me wanting to ...i don't know. i didn't want to die, but i didn't want to live either. it was like i had nothing to live for. once i went up stairs to get ready for bed, everything came exploding back 3x's worse. I went into this state that my body did what my mind said not to. i was fed up with my hair and looking at it ...my body grabbed the scissors and my hands and eyes saw nothing but ugly. i cut, and cute and cut. tired of looking at the same me every single day. i was close to bleaching my hair, just for the change. i had the bucket filled with bleach. But my mind kept butting in yelling at me. telling me to stop. i didn't know what i was doing. i didn't even know if the bleach would have worked, or if it would make me lose my hair...then id be having a really bad day. i finally gained some control back. I went back to my room, disappointed in myself. i felt so helpless. there's nothing i can do right now. i have to grit my teeth and bare it. so what do i resort to? Tv. someone else's life to take me out of my own. so then i grab food..well it isnt really food. it was junk. a candy cane and a chocolate bar at 1 30 in the morning. i felt disgusting. i had dinner, but here i was wanting more. it tasted really bad, but i still shoved it into my mouth. i needed to fall asleep so i turned off the tv and just layed in the darkness...my darkness. my mind came back and badgered me again, "i'm tired of being the victim, get over yourself and DO SOMETHING!" and all i could do was cry a pathetic cry.

i woke up this morning, my hair still a mess. i wanted to lay there and never get up, but i had to. i had things to do. important things. once i was up i turned on my music and i felt sane again. like id be ok. music was my savour. it slowly brought me back out of the darkness i had consumed myself in. I had arrived at school, dropped off a gift for the toy drive, then went to the library to finish my homework. being alone in the study carasole made me feel insignificant. come to school everyday, do the homework yet i still can't achieve my expectations, not even my parents are met. I left the house this morning on a positive note, i felt good again, but i got to school and all the eyes-judging or not, tore me down.

when i'm surrounded by friends i'm ok, but when i'm alone...things just change

With the way i've been feeling, i think there's something wrong with me. One second im happy then BAM it's gone into this deep depression. i don't get it. I don't want to be miserable, but it's just there. I need to be saved before i'm in this darkness again and i can't get out. After last night--i don't know what i'm capable of. I'm afraid that next time, the light won't come back on.