I Forgot to Remember to Forget

Just wanted to add a few pictures that just hit my heart.

Someone once told me i deserved better and since then that's been my only expectation. I would sit there and pick apart the guy I like, trying to figure out if he is "good enough" ... but as of now, I wonder if I am the one who is good enough? Being a teenager is awkward enough but to try and find a guy you can be yourself around and they truly like you for who you are is becoming harder and harder every day. I've said this before, and I thought I was over this stage but I guess my heart never could.

I feel like such a hypocrite because several guys have told me they like me and want to start something, but i don't feel the same way towards them. Am I wrong to say no? Am I wrong to hope to be with someone I really like? If I'm not wrong, then why haven't I been able to have a steady relationship with someone I really care about. People are telling me all the time about how beautiful I am and how I have this contagious personality. Like ...I have COMPLETE Strangers come up to me at work and say "you are a very beautiful girl" sure most of them are older...much older people but hey if they can appreciate my looks why the hell can't guys my age?

It's obvious that I care about how I look (who doesn't?) but it doesn't make me narcissistic. I just want someone to look beyond looks. I want him to hear me...see me, you know? I don't need to have those silly little flings. My heart can't take those.

People always leave.

Most of my friends are leaving to go to University and for most that means out of my life. They say the friends you make at University are friends for life. It kinda scares me because I'm missing out on that opportunity because I have chosen College. I worked so hard in all the univeristy courses at school, and now it's for nothing. I could've slacked all through school and still make it into college. Funny how that one works out. Back to what I'm trying to say. People keep saying they are getting out of this town, or they are leaving to go pursue what they are the best at. Or for some it's for another job, or residence. I don't really know how to react when someone's goodbye is forever.

The sum of one

It's been awhile, but I am still alive. J-moose I'm sure you'll be happy now.

A lot has happened, however it's been awhile since they have so its hard to remember them all. I'll try my best :P


Well...most recently, I have a new job..along with the wal-mart one. I edit biographies for a company that's just starting out. I'll be starting very soon, so I'm really excited.

I just finished up my first semester of grade 12 and based on my courses for semester two.. I just passed gr.12. I know i can't fail any of the courses i just had and I have communications technology, food and nutrition, drama, and gym. I'm very excited for that too. :) My brother is actually going to be in my drama class. It's a spilt class because there isn't enough gr 12's to have a full class.

On February 6th I will be going to see One Republic at a club :D very excited.

I'm also sending in a video to much music...hoping to win a spot on the show "The Shift"

..hmm oh yes now for the really good story.

So i'm not sure if i mentioned this before but i was in a MADD video shoot and i met this guy there. We are really good friends. But we never saw eachother after that shoot. but we always talked on msn. Most recently we talked about what happened to his plans on coming down to visit. Well stick a sign on me and call me oblivious.... i was always working when he could come down so he said he took it as a hint, that i didn't want to see him. Then he told me that the only reason he was going to go to McMaster university..was to be closer to me and start something up if i was interested. I was stunned. I felt so bad that he took things the wrong way becuase i really would have loved for him to be closer. But now he has a girlfriend... they seem to be taken over the world...blahh he just moved in with his gf in burlington, so he is a bit closer which is nice.

see this is what i mean.. i had more things..but i have forgotten them. *Sigh* I'm sure i'll rememebr them at some point.

I'm gonna cut this short for now.

In the year two-thousand and seven

Less than six hours til 2008 and somehow I finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to get into police foundations. From the work they do I can put all of my talents into a job i will love. I can act for undercover operations, photography for detective work and again undercover rigs.





So with less than 20 mintues left of 2007 I thought i'd sum up my year.





i fell in love





i changed my look several times





i won the student election for school publicist





...hmm i think thats it. Well i had a job left it (quit) then came back..becuase they love me oh so much :P





I found that i have changed alot since 2006. At first I didn't notice it, but now thinking back on it I really have. I keep changing but i think i'm going to like who i am in 2008. The other day i said i woke up and something felt differnet. I think that, that something was me.

Losing my Way

I've been going through this.."funk" lately. It deals with relationships, and mainly it was my way of trying to let go of something i didn't want to let go of. I don't let go of things easily, and there are some i never will, because I'm either not strong enough, or it just means to much to me to forget. I thought because I'm a girl I'm just too emotional and I'm exaggerating my feelings. But people I've come to know better have made me realize everyone goes through this and feels the exact same thing. It's normal...it's life.



So i wrote that about 2 weeks ago....and i don't have much to add to it right now.

I've had a killer migraine all day because i slept with my contacts in...and some how I'm still wearing them. The night before i went to bed in a relay bad mood. I was talking myself to sleep. I can never fall asleep when i want to, so i talked through everything that was on my mind. Eventually i managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning and something felt different. I don't know what it was but it was unsettling because i didn't understand it. Maybe i said something last night that i never realized before...

I'm lost

It's such a big world out there, and I'm already lost in it. I don't know what i want to do anymore. I want something I'll be the best at, but i want to make a difference with my work..but i want to Love it. The world isn't going to care who you were in high school, its what you bring to the world that it will care about. And right now, i don't have anything to give. I can't until i can find the girl i want to be.

It's hard to find her with my own family telling me i should lose weight, or when people ask me what i want to do...How am i supposed to answer that at 17? I have to answer to all these people and i haven't been able to answer myself. When i was 12, i never thought i would get suspended from school, or drink, or smoke. I made a promise to my mom that i would never do those things, but something changed. I became a teenager and i was tried of being the good girl. I wanted to take some risks and feel the adrenaline rush. The only thing i felt was disappointment. I hate myself for doing these things but at the same time I'm proud of myself because I did something i wanted to knowing it could be good or bad. and i took the consequences that came gracefully. I accepted the outcome because i know i don't have to drink or smoke to have fun. And because of that one risk, i saved myself from a future of abusing alcohol or ciggs.

I hate the thought of drinking now and it's something i discovered on my own. The mistakes I've made haven't hurt anyone and i don't plan on changing that. I learn from them and move on. But there's some that can't be parted with. There are those few that taunt your mind....and your heart. Those are the mistakes that i can't take anything from...as of now anyway. In 20 years i either will learn something, or completely forgotten about it. Either one would be nice. But until then, they continue to tug away.

When i was a little girl i thought that friends and family were the world. That's all i thought there was. Once my parents divorced and i got a little older i realized that I'm not the only one ....i was going somewhere with this but msn keeps distracting me ....

what do you know

...

I'm lost again.

Short Breaths

I miss the way he made me feel.

....

plain and simple

Ode...

Bonus assignment for English class...it has to be a horrbile ode to something...and i chose my place of work, it was easy and my teacher dispises this place. Enjoy...it brought me great laughter.

“OWED” to Wal-mart


Oh how thee taketh my life every single night
A smile at the start of the shift
Gone within minutes when a customer starts to bitch
Oh wal-mart
How I love thy equality
You’re frivolity
Engages me
We never forget the 5 and 30 rule
We know we are so cool
We just prefer to ignore
Our attempt
Just like the tax exempt
And those who can’t read
A 12 or less sign
But it don’t matter because we are so fine
Wal-mart shall always be mine
A love hate relationship
The bags, oh how they love to rip
Obviously it was my intention
Our mistakes become others crisis intervention

“You’re card was declined”

“Impossible! *Growls* Check it again...If you could be so kind”

“You signed the back, it does not match.”

They turn and leave all behind
The groceries now reassigned
Just another night at the Wal-mart delight

J-moose...i hope you liked that one :P

The First Cut Is the Deepest

in my english class we had to write a timed essay (60-70 mins). it was to be a personal essay on anything as long as it had some self discover in the end and used the literary devices we had learned. i found that once i started writing mine i didn't look for any devices i just wrote what i felt at the time. i was going through a very tough time with myself right now and it really showed through...my teacher phoned my dad at his work and left him a message telling him about how i have such a talent for self reflective writing especially in a timed environment. and he said that my dad should read the essay. My PERSONAL essay. my teacher read it, he KNEW that i wrote about how i felt with my parents, it was pretty much my confessional. One day he asked me if everything was ok, it totally caught me off guard but it was really...comforting. I don't know why though. He was the first person to ask me if i was ok. i felt like i mattered again. i felt like my writing meant something and it just wasn't a bunch of words. And so with out further adieu, my personal essay.

Dear someone listening,

I'm .klla

known as k___

given k______ l_____ l______

I am seventeen years old

i am a student

i am an angel

i am a devil

i am sometimes in between

i am full of self belief

haunted by self doubt

i like to be by myself

i hate to be alone

I love to laugh

but love depresses me

i'm afraid to do new things

but am willing to try

i am who i am in this year of

two thousand and seven.

My short version of the poem "Ellie and inventor of being". Ellie seemed to know exactly who she was and what she wanted, just like everyone around me. Everyone seems to know exactly who they are and what they're meant to be..everyone but me. If i could bring back just one person into my life, it would be my 10 year old self.

She is the perfect person to remind me of what i've done, what i've seen and how i've survived. She's the girl i lost along the way, or maybe i never had her to begin with. This girl was so happy. She had family and friends, but most of all she had life.

As i began to grow up i lost a lot of that. The world tainted my innocence, My parents split up by the age of 11. That's when i lost her completely. I was forced to grow up faster. I had to be able to say goodbye to my mother and father every week, just so i could be with the other. Being forced into that situation was really hard on me. That's when i started to withdraw. At 10 i was a wild kid. i could never stop talking, but at 11 i did. and i carried that with me every single day. I'm now 17, and i still carry that burden. I have more reasons to hold onto it because a lot has happened to me.

I'm a girl with blue eyes that like to change to green and sometimes grey..my personal mood ring. I have brown hair currently hiding beneath the blond. I'm not fat, but i'm not skinny either. Now you know a little about me, and how i look. But doesn't that tell you who i really am? That's a question i can't answer because i still don't know who i am. I though i had control of my life, but something else had control over me.

I've turned into this person that the 10 year old me would've hated. I've been taking these risks lately...testing my limits, just seeing how far i can go. I tried smoking, but not for the pleasure of it. I wanted to figure out why people would want to poison themselves. It didn't take me long to figure it out. It's a sense of control, and an oral fixation. It's in your mind, and i had no problem letting go. I then tried something else...drinking. My parents were always cool about letting us have a little drink in the house on special occasions. But it was the night of my school's Homecoming dance and i wanted to loosen up a little so that i'd be able to talk to people without worrying about what i looked like. I didn't really understand the whole percentage system- i just downed 3/4 of a 500 mL bottle of Vodka. A huge mistake. i had passed out within the hour of arriving at the dance. Luckily i had amazing friends trying to support me and keep me awake, but it got to the point where adults were needed. I could feel the disappointment all around me.

It was a mistake i have to live with, but apart of me is glad that it happened. I learned from it. It's too close to me now to be my past, but when it finally does become my past, i will look back on it everyday. The only substance i'll drown myself in, is a bubble bath with music.

You don't need cigarettes or alcohol to feel alive. There are other safer things. All you really need is family and friends. Sure there are some days when you want to get rid of it all, but you'll regret it. This is what life is. Having the stories that your children will want to hear and they'll be surprised, but some of your mistakes may save them from one. I'd rather call it a life lesson then mistake, because you regret mistakes, life lessons take the moments and you cherish them because they changed you and your outlook on life-in a way.

I can't follow the bread crumbs back to the 10 yr old me. And i don't want to. I am in a war with myself, but so is everyone else. It's just apart of growing up and trying to figure out who you are. Awhile ago i would have said that i want to skip ahead to when i'm 25, and im starting to settle down, but i realized i would've missed everyone and everything. I would have missed life.

To these that i would have missed: family dinner, growing up as a child, tasty delights of a four yr old self, roaring campfires, sand between my toes. Soft rain falls, bright night skies unleashing its stars. Explosions in the sky. Road trips. Bubble baths. walking through the forest with falls' leaves crunching beneath my feet. Home. Baseball. Photography. Disney movies:snuggled up tight with mugzy. Calla the brave. Trust. Love. Summer. Church bells, grandpa. music, films. the Cottage. Christmas. Bed: sleep: dreams: dreaming: pavement carrying my feet to all that i've missed.